The End is Only the Beginning

The world is an interesting place. It surprises me, disappoints me and reminds me why I'm lucky a hundred times in one day. But it's also a place where being lonely is easy, being sad comes quickly and being happy is an internal struggle impacted by external events. 48

My goal, with every journey outside the safe, overbearing confines of my own home, is to find a little bit more to be happy about. I learned from a young age that exploring made me happy, so I try to explore something new at all times. Maybe that's just a nice way to address the fact that I have commitment issues. 61

Our problems, our heart breaks never leave us where they found them but I have found that leaving the place where they started makes them disappear faster. We become wiser as how to solve them. At this stage in my life I am supposed to be figuring out who I am and what my purpose is. So far I'm not certain I have any idea. Which is new for me. I started planning my life in 8th grade. And while most of that plan was vague, I still made it to college, I've made new friends and can effectively hold my tongue in appropriate situations. But the question then becomes what next?114

Rome is my answer to that question. Coming back to the US was hard in December and will be harder in another week. Rome for me represents the past, present and future, much like it does for the history of Italy and Roman people today.

I can see the classical influence, the un-unified collaborations, the nationalism and the joy. I see those things in everything I encounter and so desperately want to hold onto them.

In Plato's ever famous symposium there is a story about love and monogamy. I'd like to briefly admit that it's my favorite thing that I have read by Plato, and I've read a lot. It's my favorite because it addresses the human condition at it's most basic social construct. We search for love. We search for love in everything we do. I can say that I do not know who belongs on my back, who I was ripped away from, but in Rome I felt less concerned. After a week I stopped searching, stopped pining for the missing pieces and focused on the pieces that were falling together in front of me.

For the first time in a long time I stopped planning the future and just smiled. Well, i still kept planning, but I also smiled. I saw myself transform from someone who is good at being alone but wants more to someone who can see more when alone. I saw the classical past combined with my own present and hopefully that produces a future.

Rome captured something inside of me but in return allowed me to produce more. Rome moved me from writing for a class to writing for myself, which in turn became the first time I enjoyed my creative writing in years.

Sitting in a classroom in a city that I have spent my whole life in, imagining Rome and how it would impact me was hard. I've traveled before yes but always come away with something different. I wasn't sure however what I would come away this round. I often felt that I had no control over the vast amount of information that was thrown at me. Sometimes I was drowning in it, other times I was floating well above it all. There was no consistency. But I know it was necessary.

Right now, while writing this, I am heading towards Scotland after a brief stop off in Qwara, Malta. My biggest regret other than not spending more time there is that I know nothing about the history of the islands or the culture of the people. I assumed I would get around to it, or visit more museums but that never happened. So I wandered around a beautiful city with Middle Eastern and North African architectural influences, British English and a language with Arabic roots.

I like to wander, I like looking at the streets. The way people decorate the facades of their homes, the way stores market their products, the graffiti. I love it all, because it shows me what they want me to see or not see. But I like having context more. I am where I am in life largely because of my aggressive and obsessive desire to consume as much knowledge as possible. I, with all of the cells in my tiny body, believe that without context, you are simply lost in something that's only slightly out of reach. It's a frustrating feeling I didn't realize I hated until traveling to a country I knew nothing about.

As for the copious amount of information I was told to consume concerning Rome, without it I would have gotten less out of the experience. While I love to explore, I think that any discoveries that are made are uninformed if they don't include any knowledge of the past. I believe in bottom up solutions, in Rome, I started from the birth of Romulus and Remus and came up to the surface. The surface is a place of layered confusion and hope. And something I want to be apart of.

Sometimes the world doesn't make any sense, like taking a bus to a plane that was less than thirty feet away, but with the right context, it doesn't have to. I have left Rome but not for good. I will be back, and I will be wiser for it.